I was full of anguish when I first arrived at Al-Anon. Real progress came when I understood that I am responsible only for the consequences of my own behavior and choices. In time I came to understand that much of my family members’ lives was none of my business. I had no right to judge them as right or wrong, much less interfere with their lives, even if they asked for my opinion.
My greatest progress in overcoming the urge to get involved in others’ lives came when I recognized that I don’t always know what’s going to turn out to be a good thing. As I listened at meetings, I realized that many an idea that I thought would be the best possible solution turned into a complete disaster. On the other hand, things I thought would surely stigmatize and ruin lives turned out to be someone’s salvation.
If I can’t recognize whether the consequence of an action will turn out good or bad, how can I possibly make a reliable judgment for others? My only responsibility is to put the focus on my behavior, understand my family, and try to be non-judgmental. I stopped judging my family, and I now accept them for who they are. I do my best to give unconditional love.
My first Sponsor asked me how I felt, but I didn’t know. Ever since I was a little boy, I had been told how to feel by my family. I took a consensus—and that’s how I felt. It took a lot of courage to begin to feel my own emotions. I heard a man say that for most men, emotions are the slimy things you find when you lift up a rock. That really rang true for me.
My Sponsor said my feelings are mine and I have a right to feel them. What is really important is what I do with them. I have the right to be angry, but I don’t have the right to be verbally or physically abusive. I often find that the root of my anger with someone else is a problem I have yet to address within myself.
In Al-Anon I have learned that the guilt I feel is like a brick I carry in my pocket—I choose to carry it. I can let it go through honesty and amends. I can deal with my fear by living today, “One Day at a Time.” That cuts my problems down to a manageable size. Now I can choose to feel joy and happiness. There is no charge for feeling them.
I recently spent ten days on a trip in a motor home with my grown daughter. We had a great time. We both applied the principles of
