Facing Reality
As the child of alcoholic parents, I learned at a young age that appearances were all-important. We were considered a model family and took great pains to keep it that way. But the picture-perfect image we showed to others had nothing to do with the way things really were. Life in my house wasn’t very pretty—there were brutal beatings, vicious verbal assaults, threats, and intimidation. This reality was never discussed. Not only were we fooling others, we were also fooling ourselves. Denial was our lifestyle.
I remained in denial, even as an adult, until I found myself homeless when an alcoholic relationship ended. I had heard about Al-Anon before, but it took a desperate situation to get me there. I had nowhere else to go. My family had refused to help in any way, and I had no savings. I felt guilty, because I had known that this could happen and in my denial, had done nothing to prepare. I blamed everyone I could think of, but bitterness wasn’t putting a roof over my head.
I shared briefly at my very first Al-Anon meeting, saying only that my alcoholic girlfriend had thrown me out. I was so embarrassed, so ashamed of what other people would think! I couldn’t bring myself to mention that I was now sleeping in my car. Even so, I was relieved to finally be telling a bit of the truth. I never expected anyone to understand, much less care about me, but people at the meeting were incredibly kind and supportive, so I kept coming back.
It has been a long, slow process to come face to face with a lifetime of denial. The shame that I learned in my alcoholic home made this difficult. I discovered a part of myself that felt so flawed and unworthy that I thought I deserved to live on the street. As I listened and identified with others in Al-Anon meetings, it became easier to admit the truth about my circumstances and my feelings. I learned that my situation had the effects of alcoholism written all over it. In time I was able to talk about living in my car, and when members of the fellowship offered assistance, I was able to accept it. Eventually I saved enough money to get a place of my own.
A wonderful Sponsor has helped me immeasurably. He encouraged me to “let time take time,” and guided me through the Steps. With his help I have begun to question my attitudes
