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IT’S ALL A GAME

As a child, many would describe me as being shy and having very little to say. In truth, I was neither shy nor lacking something to say or a means to say it. I was simply careful about where, what and when I chose to express or share, as well as with whom. My caution stemmed from having very little trust in anyone or anything.

People were rarely what they seemed and often took advantage of others for their own benefit. Bad things would regularly happen to good people. Disappointment and deception were commonplace and kindness was all too rare. What people did versus what they said they would do often differed greatly. Because of these very reasons, I was resolved to trust no one.

Although I may sound like one, surprisingly, my lack of trust did not make me a cynic. I actually believed that people were essentially good, even if they did not act that way all the time. Despite the many disheartening occurrences along the way, I also had faith that things could and would eventually get better. But it was clear to me however, even as a small boy, that life was a game of sorts. If I were to survive it and perhaps win it, I realized I would have to be careful and play it as smart as I could.

One might think having come from a privileged background I would not need to be concerned about such things. Although it did give me some advantages, my family’s wealth and social standing never ensured my survival. In fact, sometimes, it put me at greater risk than someone with limited means and status. I knew I would have to use every ounce of courage and cleverness I had to avert danger and an untimely demise.

To facilitate safety and even victory in such a world, I recognized that staying out of trouble and avoiding the notice of others would be the best measure I could take. When someone stands out in some way, they become more vulnerable. They have more potential to be taken advantage of, be made an example of, or be required to do something they do not want to do. In the worst case, they may even be harmed or killed.

After my father died and I was subject to the whims of strangers, I became especially vigilant in my efforts to become absolutely invisible. I can say with utter certainty that having such a strategy served me well.

One of the most valuable skills I developed early on, aside from not being seen, was that of observation. By observing others words and actions, I could determine patterns and predict future behavior and responses. Doing so, presented me with many beneficial opportunities, but more importantly, it helped ensure my protection.

I admit that at times, I used the information I discerned from watching and listening to people to manipulate others in some way. However, I did not do this with any mal intent or egotistical motivations. My objective was simply to find some comfort in an uncomfortable situation and ultimately survive.

I know this may seem to be an odd and complicated thought process for a mere boy, but as you can tell, I did not think like other boys. In fact, during most of my childhood, I felt like an old man trapped in a young person’s body.

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