CHAPTER 2

Your child’s window of tolerance

The idea of a ‘window of tolerance’, coined by Dr Dan Siegal, can help us to understand a sensitive nervous system. We all have a certain window in which we can manage a range of experiences and sensations throughout our day. When we are operating within our window, we feel regulated and able to manage stressors that might arise. We have access to our thinking, rational brain that helps us to think, feel and behave in ways that help to keep us grounded and able to cope with the difficulties life throws at us.

When you are at ease and feel connected to your wise self, this is usually a good indicator that you are operating within your window of tolerance. It might be helpful to pause now and reflect on what your body language and facial expressions look like when you feel like this. This is called the ‘optimal zone’ of arousal, where we feel our most centred and connected to ourselves – it’s also referred to as our ‘comfort zone’.

How much space we have in our window on any given day depends on numerous factors. The pain of struggling with relationship difficulties, physical illnesses, grief, loss, financial stress or other social and emotional difficulties will all, understandably, narrow our window. Childhood adversity and trauma also influence how this window develops and how sensitive it can be to stress. Physiological states that are difficult to manage, like sensory overwhelm, thirst, hunger, tiredness and so on, can also narrow our window throughout the day.

When we become stressed or overwhelmed, we can be pushed out of our windows more easily. It is helpful to understand this in ourselves and our children so that we can spot the signs and know how to help. We can probably all relate to feeling anxious, agitated and irritated. This is usually a warning sign that we are being pushed up into what is called ‘hyperarousal’. When we get tipped too far out of our window and further into hyperarousal, we can feel extremely anxious, out of control or angry. Our fight/flight reactions are often activated, and we want to fight or run away. Our thoughts are usually racing, our breathing is shallow, and we experience a lot of adrenaline and cortisol.

Sometimes we get pushed down out of our window into what is called ‘hypoarousal’. The initial warning signs may be that we start to feel very low or like we are shutting down. We might notice our energy dips and our body starts to feel heavy. We often feel cold and tired. We might feel a bit ‘zoned out’ or spacy. When we get tipped further into hypoarousal, we can feel completely numb and detached from our emotions. Our body has gone into a state of freeze, and people often feel ‘outside of themselves’. Hyper- and hypoarousal are both adaptive coping responses that are generally outside of our conscious control.

We can all take steps to widen our windows and come back into our optimal zones, but we often need a little help and guidance with this.

The early years

The parents I work with find the window of tolerance a helpful way of understanding why their child seems to become so quickly activated under stress. Deep-feeling, sensitive souls are born into this world with heightened emotional awareness. As a result of feeling so deeply, they can be pushed out of their window of tolerance more easily. This is nothing to fear and is just due to their temperament and the way their brain and nervous system is wired. It is a great thing, in many ways, as although they can be more easily overwhelmed, they also experience excitement and joy with just as powerful a force. They are responding and reacting to their exp