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You’re Already Communicating Effectively

OMG – IDoThink She’s a Moron!

The main theme of this chapter is that you don’t need tolearn to communicate effectively because you already know how and are doing it routinely. You’re probably very skilled at conveying how you feel, whether you know it or not. If you’re angry, or mistrustful, or contemptuous, you’re probably conveying those feelings clearly to your partner. Similarly, if you’re loving, or respectful, or admiring, you’re probably good at conveying that too.

Recognizing that the problem iswhat you’re communicating, nothow you’re communicating, can be an uncomfortable insight.

Like so many couples, Polly and Cal told me in their first session that they need to learn to communicate better. Whenever Cal tried to help Polly by suggesting a better way to do something, she would either respond with anger or clam up completely, and they’d end up not speaking for hours or days. No matter how carefully Cal tried to word his suggestions, Polly still got upset, which in turn got Cal upset. Were there some tools they could use to communicate better, so Cal could offer his help and Polly could accept it?

After a few sessions, Polly and Cal came into the office smiling. In the interim since our previous session, Cal said, he had thought about that idea that the problem could bewhat he’s communicating, rather thanhow he’s communicating. He had even checked out our podcast on the subject. And he came to a painful conclusion:

“Oh my God—no wonder she’s responding as if I’m calling her a moron. It’s not how I’m saying it, or that she’s oversensitive. It’s that she’s right—Ido think she’s a moron!”

Both Cal and Polly were smiling as he said this. He obviously didn’t mean he still thinks that Polly is a moron, or even that he actually thought so consciously. But what he recognized, Cal explained, was that his insisting on “helping” Polly was, more often than not, based on an arrogant assumption that he knew better than she did about pretty much anything. No amount of dressing up how he offered help would obscure that attitude. And he now saw that this attitude was not only disrespectful, but erroneous. His solution wasn’t to craft how he expressed his disrespect for Polly so it somehow sounded respectful; his solution was to actually respect her. How he spoke to her would follow from that. He hadn’t wanted to be disrespectful, and he would have vehemently denied thinking Polly was a moron had I asked him in earlier sessions. But through our work and his own courage, he was willing to look at his own attitude and could finally understand what he was conveying.

Polly t