8s

Vulnerability Is Not Weakness

Melissa called and asked if we could talk about a problem at work, so I suspected it was in regard to her relationship with a colleague at her new job. The head of recruiting at a high-tech startup, Melissa is smart, creative, and very successful. She’s a good leader, but like other Eights she often struggles in relationships with her coworkers. Eights function best when they can choose who they work with, but Melissa inherited her staff when she joined the company. From earlier conversations, I knew that she would not have chosen Emily.

Melissa had previously told me how tired she was of hearing Emily whine about the database system. “Instead of whining, why can’t she just learn it!” Melissa usually worked fifty-five hours a week and was angry that Emily struggled to work forty, often missing work-related events for her aging mother’s doctor appointments, her granddaughter’s ballet recitals, and other personal conflicts.

When I answered the call from Melissa, she was already operating at an increased volume, as is typical for Eights. Like other Eights, who seldom have time for or any interest in small talk, she jumped right in. “It’s about Emily. We just completed her six-month performance review. I started by asking her if she had anything she wanted to talk about before we discussed her evaluation. I thought that was such a great way to start—you know, kind of personal.”

But Melissa was not prepared for what she heard next. With a shaky voice, Emily said, “I don’t think you respect me. You are always so impatient and demanding. Sometimes I even feel bullied by you. Other people I have talked to said they have felt that too.”

I could tell by her tone that Melissa was still angry, but I also knew she was hurt. I asked how she responded to Emily.

“Well,” she said, “I paused and then asked some questions.”

“What kind of questions?”

“I wanted her to give me objective proof for her feelings, so I asked her what happened to make her feel that way. I told her I had been very honest with her about my expectations and her responsibilities. I tried to explain to her that our department is very important to this phase of building the business and that we have a responsibility to recruit the right people for crucial positions or the company will fail.”

There was a long pause, and then Melissa asked me very sincerely, “Suzanne, why can’t peoplejust do their jobs?”

What’s Going on Here?

Which person in this story do you identify with most? Why?

Is Melissa a bully? Why or why not?

What does Emily really want from Melissa?

How can the Enneagram explain what’s happening here?

Through the lens of the Enneagram, this story is about so much more than an aggressive boss and an intimidated or ineffective employee. It’s about two people who see the job and their working relationship—and the world—from completely different perspectives. Melissa is an Eight. Emily is not. Melissa thought she was encouraging Emily to fulfill her professional responsibilities, so she was blindsided by Emily’s emotional outburst. Although they managed to finish the performance review, Melissa shared with me that she had no confidence that things would change. Eventually, Emily asked to be transferred.

Most Enneagram numbers broker peace with others as they go through the day—bridging emotional distance with a quick exchange, observation, or compliment before each going their own way. Unfortunately, Eights don’t feel the obligation that prompts this kind of relational cleanup, so they usually move on to the next thing. It can feel like Eights don’t care about us, but the fact is they simply aren’t thinking about us—they are thinking about what needs to be done next.

In this story about Melissa and Emily, like so many stories that make up our days, we know what happened but we don’t know why. The Enneagram helps us understand the dynamics, motivations, and expe