7
Since my night with Oliver, I’ve been ignoring April’s calls and letting her texts go unanswered. On the bright side, since my almost-night with Patrick, I’ve made sure to fuck all the men I meet before saying goodbye. It’s not long before whatever shreds of self-esteem I’d amassed from my brief stint of sobriety are eviscerated. The days and nights accumulate. At first, I manage to make it through my shifts sober before going out and getting shitfaced, but that doesn’t last. After a trip to the intersection of Fifth Street and Carpenter to see Markus and fortify my supplies, I’m doing coke in the Free Café bathroom and smoking weed in my car whenever I can get away for a fifteen-minute break.
I tell myself this time won’t be like all the others. I’m still showing up to work—almost on time—and I’m not completely miserable.
Last night, April 27th, exactly two weeks after Patrick opted to get high instead of having sex with me, I met someone. Rocko and I locked eyes in an alley while doing lines of coke off the lid of a garbage can, and, despite the differences in our upbringings and experiences, there was an unmistakable resonance between us.
Rocko is a heavily-tattooed South Philly Italian with a goatee and a small scar on his lower lip that he got during a barroom brawl. His lip-scar is my favorite thing about him.
“Must’ve been a bad fight,” I tell him as I trace the raised white flesh with my tongue.
Rocko smiles, the scar stretching into a long, menacing gash. “Not for me. The other guy’s in a wheelchair now.”
He mashes his mutilated mouth against my unmarred one and something about the intensity of his kiss assures me that he craves the high I can provide even more than the drugs laid out on the table in front of us.
The last guy who made me feel this wanted was Dwight. And I screwed it up.
A few days before my eighteenth birthday, I videotaped my stepdad and myself doing it—doggy style, so both our faces were staring directly at the hidden nanny cam. I was starting college, and, even though I’d only enrolled part-time at a school that was less than twenty miles away, I wanted to live closer to the Temple campus. To get away from the suburbs and the person I’d been in high sc