CHAPTER 2
Understanding The Chemistry Of Conversations
“What’s wrong with them?”
That’s the question that launched me on a quest to find a better way to have productive conversations.
As an educated executive leader, I frequently pondered the question of why some people are very easy to talk with and get things done, while others could not hear a word I said and would just muddle along.
When people asked what I did, the standing joke in our house was that family members would reply, “She is the most expensive babysitter I know.”
There was some element of truth in that joke.
Being well equipped educationally—with a master’s in psychiatric nursing, an MBA, numerous coaching certificates, and years of experience—taught me to see the world through the lens of a problem–solution framework. I knew how to create metrics, strategies, plans, and processes, and how to talkat people to get them on board.
And if they did not get with the program, there were two options: replace them and find someone who could do the job, or persuade them to go along.
I was not only ineffective in this approach, I was exhausted. I had heard that’s the way people are; they are resistant to new ideas and change, so just keep telling them. That’s why I got paid the big bucks.
About that time, the big buzzwordtrust was hitting the scene. There is a plethora of advice that says, “Here are the seven tips/ tricks/techniques/scripts, and this is what you need to do.” While I did not disagree with that, for me, there had to be more than those solutions.
I set out on a journey to find out what this trust thing was and how it works in building relationships so I could give up the babysitter role.
Sitting at my computer surfing the web for a different answer, I came across a new book calledConversational Intelligence.2 I bought it, devoured it, and worked with its author and mentor Judith Glaser for the next three years, not only to understand it, but to put the neuroscience of conversation into practice. I had found what I was looking for—a scientific framework and methodology with years of practical implementation behind it to finally explain what happens in the brain during conversation, and the skills required to lead these conversations and earn trust.
One might think I rushed out to teach this to my clients. Not so. Being a bit of a skeptic, I first applied this in my own life and business, and discovered people were
