1. My First Time

Here, try one of my Adderall,” he says, like it’s an aspirin. I’ve been dating Ryan for seven months now. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was ten, so he has a prescription.

I’m taking eighteen credit hours this semester—which includes chemistry and a lab. Double majoring in public relations and fashion merchandising sounded like a great idea. Yeah right—who knew that chemistry was a requirement for fashion merchandising? And on top of my full course load I am working two part-time jobs—waiting tables at Cracker Barrel and clerking at a local boutique. I’m drowning. The stress of maintaining a social life with my boyfriend and sorority doesn’t help, and I’ve gained ten pounds since the semester began.

I’m in my room in the sorority house getting ready for my shift at Cracker Barrel. It’s embarrassing to walk out of my room in my brown apron, white button-down shirt, and black pants, so I change in the car instead. I don’t want anyone to know that I work at Cracker Barrel because then they’ll know how different I am from them. I’m already a year older, twenty pounds heavier, and not as put together. I don’t need another reason to be different. On the way to my car, I pass by several of my sorority sisters—most of them are laughing and going to and from class. They seem so carefree while I am the opposite. All I do is care—what people think, how I look, what I say, what I do. They smile at me, but they don’t engage with me. I feel like an outcast in the house I am supposed to livein.

I’ve heard of Adderall; people talk about it being helpful with studying. The only reason I know about this drug is because it was prescribed to my little sister, Frankie, in elementary school. She has ADHD and needed it to concentrate in school. It helped her stay focused and organized. Adderall is a prescription stimulant that contains amphetamine, and it’s used to treat ADHD and narcolepsy. Recreationally, it’s used on campus as a study drug to pull all-nighters and to maintain the stamina to party. My sister was diagnosed with ADHD—she was doing poorly in school and was disorganized with little drive or motivation. Adderall helped her concentrate and focus, but she still struggled with school and was labeled a problem child. She still has that label.

I make good grades—I’m a straight A student—but it’s because I work my ass off. I am overwhelmed and I’m barely meeting the demands of college. It’s the fall semester of my junior year—that means I have one year remaining to build the most amazing resume so I can get the most amazing job when I graduate.

When Ryan takes Adderall, it helps him study and stay focused but takes away his ability to connect with others emotionally. He becomes flat in response to conversation and, really, just can’t engage. He’s serious and short-tempered, and his eyes are lifeless. It’s like Adderall cuts off his personality—he just focuses on schoolwork. Normally, Ryan is laid back and carefree, and Adderall steals