Chapter Two
Jeremy
If I were to die suddenly and somebody finds this journal and actually reads it, the one thing I would want them to know is that I tried to have a normal life. I tried. It just didn’t work out that way, in my case.
I tried to fit into society, lead a regular life. I married Debbie, a very pretty actress from our local community theater here in Rockville, Maryland. I first saw her on the stage of the Rockville Civic Center during a mime performance. She looked just like Marcel Marceau, in white leotards and black suspenders, with white powder on her face and black eyebrows drawn above her eyes. She moved with such fluidity and grace through the silence, creating an invisible wall with her hands, climbing an imaginary flight of stairs, holding a balloon and being picked up off the ground by the wind and flying away. I was enchanted with her from the first moment I saw her.
I finally got up the nerve to give her my card while she was leaving the theater one night. We discovered we had some things in common. Like Debbie, I had a degree in drama and an interest in the theater. Though a few years ago I’d given up on the idea of being an actor, I respected her desire to keep at it. I emotionally supported her need to be an artist, despite never being able to gain recognition for her work outside the suburbs of Maryland or make any money at it. She appreciated my support and I think that’s what initially drew us together. We started a relationship and several months later we were married.
You could make an argument I’m a rather nice catch for a single guy. I’m in excellent shape and I’ve been told I’m attractive. Due solely to my Dad’s efforts, I’m also rich. My father’s successful Neurosurgery practice as well as his savvy real estate investment in a large upscale high-rise condominium here in the heart of Rockville has made our family extremely wealthy. Eventually, my Father transferred ownership of the building over to me, and the rental income from the property brings in more money than I could ever hope to spend. Debbie was a struggling actress who needed to be financially supported in order to practice her art and I needed someone to love and take care of to feel worthwhile inside. So it seemed like a good match, at least at first. I became the typical doting husband; my only concern was for her happiness.
Looking back, I know now that I smothered her with my affection. I was very well cast in the role of the boring husband. I was constantly nervous around her, always at the whim of her ever changing moods and demands, running out to do various errands or buy things for her to make her happy. I stopped exercising and let myself grow quite soft around the middle, while she jogged five miles a day and seemed to grow lovelier each day. I changed her ashtrays like an obedient butler and kept her clothed in the trendiest styles. After two years of marriage, I could tell she viewed me as nothing more than a piece of unwieldy furniture that always seemed to be in her way. The more I loved her, the more our marriage grew stale and withered.
I’ve always wondered if the breakdown of our relationship had to do with sex. I always thought we had a fairly healthy sexual relationship. I’m not sure what is considered normal by society’s standards, but we usually had sex at least once or twice a week. I was very attracted to her and would do everything and anything to satisfy her in bed, but usually she preferred the basics, with me on top.
I often worried if I pleased her as much as she pleased me. I always tried to hold back on my ejaculation for as long as I could so she could experience her pleasure, but there was always a point of no return for me during sex, if you know what I mean. I always secretly felt I had let her down after letting go and ejaculating inside her into my condom or onto the pretty smooth skin of her belly or cute breasts...
When the end of our marriage came, my wife was in final rehearsals for yet another community theater production. It’s sadly ironic that there was this rich shallow husband character in the play, very similar to me. The basic plot involved Debbie’s character being unhappily married to her husband, cheating on him with another man and plotting with her lover to murder the lout in order to collect the insurance money. They are caught and arrested by a detective in the end, of course. I must apologize for the rather conventional plot of the play. Rockville is a suburban bedroom community of Washington DC, and I’m afraid that’s about the best we can do here, as far as the complexity of our theatrical productions go.
Around this time, a traumatic event in my