XIV LET ME FEEL YOUR PULSE
So I went to a doctor.
"How long has it been since you took any alcohol into your system?" he asked.
Turning my head sidewise, I answered,"Oh, quite awhile."
He was a young doctor, somewhere between twenty and forty. He wore heliotrope socks, but he looked like Napoleon. I liked him immensely.
"Now," said he,"I am going to show you the effect of alcohol upon your circulation." I think it was"circulation" he said; though it may have been"advertising."
He bared my left arm to the elbow, brought out a bottle of whiskey, and gave me a drink. He began to look more like Napoleon. I began to like him better.
Then he put a tight compress on my upper arm, stopped my pulse with his fingers, and squeezed a rubber bulb connected with an apparatus on a stand that looked like a thermometer. The mercury jumped up and down without seeming to stop anywhere; but the doctor said it registered two hundred and thirty-seven or one hundred and sixty-five or some such number.
"Now," said he,"you see what alcohol does to the blood-pressure."
"It's marvellous," said I,"but do you think it a sufficient test? Have one on me, and let's try the other arm." But, no!
Then he grasped my hand. I thought I was doomed and he was saying good-bye. But all he wanted to do was to jab a needle into the end of a finger and compare the red drop with a lot of fifty-cent poker chips that he had fastened to a card.
"It's the haemoglobin test," he explained. "The colour of your blood is wrong."
"Well," said I,"I know it should be blue; but this is a country of mix-ups. Some of my ancestors were cavaliers; but they got thick with some people on Nantucket Island, so --"
"I mean," said the doctor,"that the shade of red is too light."
"Oh," said I,"it's a case of matching instead of matches."
The doctor then pounded me severely in the region of the chest. When he did that I don't know whether he reminded me most of Napoleon or Battling or Lord Nelson. Then he looked grave and mentioned a string of grievances that the flesh is heir to -- mostly ending