Recovering the Self: A Journal of Hope and Healing (Vol. V, No. 1) July 2016 Recovering The Self is a quarterly journal which explores the themes of recovery and healing through the lenses of poetry, memoir, opinion, essays, fiction, humor, art, media reviews and psycho-education. Contributors to RTS Journal come from around the globe to deliver unique perspectives you won't find anywhere else! The theme of Volume V, Number 1 is 'Focus on Relationships'. Inside, we explore physical, spiritual, emotional, and mental aspects of this and several other areas of concern including: Intimacy Success Loving yourself Soul mates Happiness Living alone with confidence Recovering from infidelity Partnership Mother/daughter issues Narcissism Sexuality and gender ...and more! This issue's contributors include: Ernest Dempsey, Gerry Ellen Avery, Barbara Sinor, Ken La Salle, Bonnie Spence, Michelle Carmela, Chandru Bhojwani, Candy Czernickim Jacqueline K. Prescott, Peter MacQuarrie, Harris Green, Martha M. Carey, Bernie Siegel, Pamela Meek, Holli Kenley, Leslee Tessmann, Sam Vaknin, Nikolas Wong, Sweta Srivastava Vikram, Eva Schlesinger, Trisha Faye, Karen Sherman, Zdravka Evtimova, Carolyn Agee, Christy Lowry, Doug Parker, Rich Devlin, Patricia Wellingham-Jones, Ghenrietta Gordon, Karen Evancic, and others. 'I highly recommend a subscription to this journal, Recovering the Self, for professionals who are in the counseling profession or who deal with crisis situations. Readers involved with the healing process will also really enjoy this journal and feel inspired to continue on. The topics covered in the first journal alone, will motivate you to continue reading books on the subject matter presented. Guaranteed.' --Paige Lovitt for Reader Views
Angels and Devils and Relationships
by Bonnie Spence, Ph.D.
“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.” ~ Abraham Lincoln
Relationships really test man's character. Is the person willing to lead with their heart and are they willing to share their loving heart with others? There is no such thing as a person who loves only one person. A person that loves people is the one that is really able to love one person. If you state that you don't love or care about humanity, and that you have no love for humanity, you are really not able to just love one person; because that one person is part of the humanity that you say you reject. A person must start by loving themselves and feeling proud of who they are, and how they treat others. If they have no integrity then they cannot love themselves or others.
Unfortunately, I find that we have become a culture of narcissists and have become godless. People who do not believe in a higher power often begin to see themselves as the higher power. That is what created Hitler. This kind of thinking is very dangerous. Narcissists are unwilling to submit their own will. Erich Fromm called these people ‘malignant narcissists’. Malignant Narcissism is characterizing by an unsubmitted will. Scott Peck in his bookPeople of the Lie says that these people are basically evil people. Scott Peck wrote:
“Indeed, it is almost tempting to think that the problem of evil lies in the will itself. Perhaps the evil are born so inherently strong-willed that it is impossible for them ever to submit their will. Yet I think it is characteristic of all “great” people that they are extremely strong-willed, whether their greatness be for good or for evil. The strong will – the power and authority – of Jesus radiates from the Gospels, just as Hitler's did from ‘Mein Kampf’. But Jesus' will was that of his Father, and Hitler's that of his own. The crucial distinction is between ‘willingness and willfulness’”. (pp. 79 -People of the Lie)
A good relationship is a loving relationship. Beverly Engel in her bookThe Emotionally Abusive Relationship quotes Robert Fulghum, who said, “Sticks and stones will break our bones, but words will break our hearts.” (pp. 26) Beverly Engel in her book states clearly what destroys loving relationships. People, who become vulnerable and let themselves love, give a lot of power to another person. This is why people must learn how to handle this power in responsible and moral fashion. Erich Fromm in his bookThe Art of Loving states, that in order to love and have a good relationship a person must learn to be disciplined, patient, and have the ability to concentrate. He also states that learning to love is an art, which requires primarily patience, discipline, and concentration. However, he feels there is only one main requirement in order to learn the art of loving. He stated, “According to what I said about the nature of love, the main condition for the achievement of love is theovercoming of one'snarcissism.” (pp. 109)
Narcissism does lead to using the destructive, abusive things that Beverly Engel says in her bookThe Emotionally Abusive Relationship. Narcissism leads to abuse of power as one is only focused on their own needs. These people lack empathy and compassion for others, and often get abusive to achieve their own ends, in spite of how this impacts other people. These people who are narcissists are inter-personally exploitative. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance and a sense of entitlement. They often have unreasonable expectation of others, and demand power over others to get their own way. Narcissistic abuse of power often leads to abusive treatment of others in relationships. The central abusive items are: domination, constant criticism, continual blaming, abusive expectations, emotional blackmail, constant chaos/creating crisis. She also says other patterns of abuse are character assassination, sexual harassment, and gaslighting. “This term comes from the classic movieGaslight in which a husband uses a variety of insidious techniques to make his wife doubt her perceptions, her memory, and her very sanity.” (pp. 36)
This emotional abuse in a relationship will destroy the relatio
