Chapter One
Accepting That It’s Over
Breakups are traumatic, life-changing events. When you realize that your relationship is over, it’s devastating. There may be moments when you feel sheer desperation. You want her back so badly that the pain is unbearable. You feel helpless because there seems to be nothing you can do to make yourself feel better. You see the world through a gray fog, and it’s impossible to concentrate at work or socialize in any genuine way. Everything reminds you of her. Certain parts of town become no-go areas because you went there with her. You attach memories to every store you entered and every restaurant you frequented as a couple. When you do decide to go to these places, memories overwhelm you. You look around; everyone seems to be behaving normally and going about their business as usual. It is a surreal experience because there is a vibrant energy humming all around you, yet you feel like your world has come to an abrupt halt. You almost feel like a ghost that no one can see, or a victim of an accident who is being ignored. You want to ask people for help, but you know that no one else has that ability - the only one who can save you from your pain is yourself.
When you’re alone at home and have time to think, you vividly recall laying next to her, the friends you shared, the world that you built around her. The fact that you miss her and want her back is understandable. However, waiting patiently for a sign from her that she might want to get back together instead of moving forward with your life will only prolong your pain. You could end up wasting months or even years of your life, waiting endlessly for her return. The hope for reconciliation will have you living in a parallel universe - wanting her back while at the same time, wanting to get over her, two conflicting emotions. The only way to get over the breakup is to accept that the relationship is over and make decisions in your life reflecting this.
Remove the Pedestal
Ask yourself why you are idealizing this person and putting her on a pedestal. What needs did she fulfill in your life? And, why have you been able to recover from past breakups and disappointments, but not this one? Answer these questions and you are on your way to getting over her. Since she is no longer there, it’s important that you be able to find a way to fill that emptiness.
Every woman has positive qualities as well as annoying or difficult ones. By telling yourself that your ex was perfect in every way, or worse, that she was “the one,” you are imposing your past on your future. Your future is wide open, so don’t write off other women or place them in a lesser position in your mind when you are ready to date again. Women are intuitive - when they meet you, if they suspect that you’re thinking about someone else and are not fully present mentally, it gives them less incentive to become involved with you.
Have a Plan
The first few weeks after a breakup are the toughest. Getting through each day is an accomplishment, in and of itself. However, if you knowhow to heal, you can minimize the trauma and drastically cut down on the time it takes to recover. If you set your mind to it, and have some guidance and a plan to back you up, you can get to a comfortable place emotionally and heal considerably in a short period of time. But this can only happen if you have a genuine desire to put the relationship behind you. Instead of stagnating and feeling down every day, you want to feel better. The first step is disconnecting yourself from your ex. This means making the firm decision not to contact her. It takes a great deal of strength to control the urge to see her or speak with her. But the earlier you are able to put the relationship behind you the better it
