Skills for the Resisted Parent
Resisted Affection
Expressing affection to a resisting child can be tricky. A child may question a parent’s good intentions or outright reject expressions of love and support. The parent doesn’t want to stop expressing their affection but may need to be very reserved in expressing it in order to avoid more disaffection from the child.
When expressing love and support, the resisted parent should try to do it in a way that allows the child to receive the message without feeling the need to respond. Express to the child that you love them and care for them without making the child feel pressured to say anything. For example, say, “I love you no matter what,” rather than, “Can I have a hug?” Remember, the important thing for the child to hear is that the parent loves them, is committed to them and will always be there for them no matter what (such as illustrated in the popular children’s bookRunaway Bunny, by Margaret Wise Brown).
When the resisted parent is stung with hurt, they may feel the urge to counter-reject the child by saying something like, “It’s obvious you don’t want to see me. I don’t want to see you unless you do, so let me know when you want some time with me.” Do not make this mistake. Instead, communicate to the child the message, “I will continue to love you regardless of what happens.” Keep in mind that the child may not accept your calls, texts, holiday cards or gifts, but they are tracking if they arrived. Ironically, though the child may say they want no contact with you, later they may say that you not sending a birthday card or holiday gift is more proof that you do not really care and are not lovable.
Do not give up. This is a painful test of whether you love them unconditionally. Even when the child is resisting, they want love from both of their parents (although that wish may be unconscious at this point).
