Chapter One

I’m Chrissy.

I know that you’ve heard all those jokes about blondes. Now that it’s not politically correct to make jokes about all those hyphenated minorities anymore, everybody makes jokes about blondes instead. They say we’re not too smart, and superficial, and sort of—you know—easy?

Well, in my case it’s like, totally true.

I suppose you think that being blonde, young, rich and pretty is absolutely awesome. Daddy always gave me everything money could buy, naturally, but he was divorced when I was real young, and he was always like totally consumed with making his pile bigger. I haven’t seen Mom for years. Last I knew she was in the South of France with some dude named Raoul. I was pretty much raised by housekeepers. They kept quitting though, because I was such an awesomely creepy child!

Oh sure, I had plenty of friends, the right kind. They went well with the right clothes, the right clubs, and the right car. With so much right in my world, it must sound like whining to say nobody cared. That’s how it was though. Looks and money just get in the way, and all of that neat stuff just ends up owning you.

Some of the things that some people (I’m not mentioning any names here) said about me were really major lies. I never took on the whole football team—just the defense. Anyway, I only did it to win a bet with my roommate, Heather. There’s no way I would do it again. I had guys coming in both ends for like hours. I was slack jawed and bow legged for a week afterward.

You might say that Heather was my only real friend at the time. She always seemed to know what I needed most, but she was sort of psycho, too. I mean, she could go postal over some little thing and hold a grudge simply forever!

She was always coming up with weird ideas that got me in trouble. I always went along, like I was learning disabled or something. I know what you’re thinking—Blondes!

Anyway, I have to tell you about her “revenge” and how it really changed my life, like forever.

I’m always kidding her about the guys she goes out with. She dates real social lepers—the kind of dweebs that only your mother would like. Everyone thinks that it’s because she’s really big hearted or socially aware or something. The truth is that she really digs male virgins. One day I called her an “equal opportunity fuck” and that’s what got her pissed off at me.