CHAPTER ONE

THE DESCENT INTO HELL

“The journey to higher awareness is not a direct flight.
Challenges, struggles and tests confront the traveler along the way. Eventually, no matter who
you are or how far you have come along the path, you must experience your
‘dark night of the soul.’ ”
Douglas Bloch, Words That Heal

The notebook by the side of my bed was finally being put to use. Given to me by a friend so that I could record my dreams, the lined yellow paper had remained untouched for months, as my sleeping medication made dream recollection all but impossible.

“Oh, well, ” I mused. “It won’t matter much after today.”

I looked out the window. It was another of those oppressive Oregon winter skies that moves in like an unwanted house guest at the beginning of November and doesn’t depart until the first of July. The black clouds overhead mirrored those inside my head. I was suffering from a mental disorder known as clinical depression.

Slowly, I reached for the pen and began to write.

To my friends and family,November 12, 1996

I know that this is wrong, but I can no longer endure the pain of living with this mental illness. Further hospitalizations will not help, as my condition is too deep-seated and advanced to uproot. On some deeper level, I know that my work on the planet is finished, and that it is time to move on.

Douglas

I reached over for the bottle of pills that I had secretly saved for this occasion, slowly twisted off the cap and imagined the sweet slumber that awaited me. My reverie was interrupted by a loud knock at the door.

“Who can that be?” I wondered. “Can’t a man commit suicide in peace?”

I turned over in bed and spied my friend Stuart entering the living room.

“Just thought I’d check