I saw you before…but I never took heed. People seemed to enjoy you, sitting there with your uniquely glass-shaped body. Slowly filling up with smoke, and making all kinds of shapes only to evaporate into thin air, leaving your mark. And as I watched you fill, I wanted to be a part of that; I needed to suck up all that others had instilled in me. And then let it be evaporated like you did.

Not ever knowing how dangerous that pretty white smoke was, you tried to kill my soul; you tried to suck up all my life, and evaporate me. How did I end up in this land where obstruction, pain, blame, and shame were the plan? My Queen I would never see her as aDOPEFIEND.

From the womb I was to be doomed, in awkward places from the start. As a little girl I remembered being on 140th Street in Harlem. There were sights there that were scary to see, but after a while you get used to the junkie scene. The sounds would never escape my brain—children playing, police sirens, and people fighting…those were the sounds. The visions would haunt me for years to come. Momma with the needle in her arm. I remember the visions as if it were yesterday, and many times, I wish it was. Momma please stop, take my brother out of the bathroom. Momma, please, the crying is unbearable. My little brother cried nonstop. This was all he would do; now I’m sure that this was the consequence of heroin they call Blue. Understanding the sounds of the whispers and cries at night as a young girl, I lived in fear. One would say I was too young to remember. I remember my question to you was…why did you surrender, surrender to Blue?

I remember the streets were filled with laughter. Fire hydrants would run, and we just played. Who knew that three children were just too much? Our father was in jail. Just what could she do? And then came Blue. I can image how it all went down. We were left alone, as this was how we were often found. Many nights I played as if I were asleep; who knew these were visions I’d keep. My shoelaces tied around your arm and your face looked angelic to me; I was confused.

I remember the fear I felt. The trips to the store when you’d push me around and load up my stroller with stolen goods. I remembered it was candy for me every time. The apartment we lived in was so small that our bed was one that pulled out of the wall. This place in which we all slept—at this place silence was kept. No children allowed is what I remember being told; if the landlord heard us, we would be out in the cold.

My brother continued to cry. I felt sad. I didn’t understan